SNUGGLE

I died on Zipia.net. F/W fashion is really wrecking my nerves!! I'm holding all my desires for knitwear back. :( Spot these when I was web-surfing at Kimmy's place. (Hope you're coping well babe! N I read your blog post! We don't need outings, just crashing your crib is good enough!)

Today, I had a bad start in the morning. Received the news that my grandpa was hospitalized and came to know that he suffered from a serious stroke. Apparently, he can't speak now. From what I heard from brother, he can move but right now he's like a piece of paper - blank and expressionless.

It reminded me of my late grandma in her remaining days. The only word/sound she made was saying "pain" in dialect. Sometimes, I wonder what were on her mind then. For months, she was tortured with huge bedsores and infections. Cleaning her wounds were initially disturbing but eventually I felt more sorry than anything. Thank god that she left in her sleep peacefully. Though abrupt but at least she wasn't in any form of pain I suppose.

Experiencing death is... like a huge sinking feeling. It feels different from being ditched/cheated or whatever. That kinda sinking feeling is silent and overwhelming. It isolates you from your surrounding. Words are emptied outta your head, you feel nothing except welling of your tears and the heavy heart. Next, it will be like a downpour from your face. You can never hold your whimpering sound, I failed at that. I just cried my heart out when they carried the body out with the white cloth over her. It broke my heart to hear my grandpa crying as well. The whole family stood and weeped. Days of ceremonies and despite all the endless procedures, everyone held on tirelessly.

Now, I certainly wish that my grandpa will be well. But facing the fact that death is part and parcel of life, I hope that surviving will not be a chore to him instead. The last time I saw him during Mid-Autumn festival, he was unhappy. But there wasn't a specific reason, he was just gloomy and expressionless. Usually when I hug him before I go, he'll smile and look extremely shy. However, that day he was just gloomy. He didn't even take a lot of glances at me and skipped the usual questions like where's my Mom, etc. I thought that was pretty strange already. Sort of feel that he doesn't feel the drive in life anymore(?). I hope I'm wrong about that though.

On the side note, I think I wouldn't want to live till ripe age. Once my life is fulfilled and when I have reached out to whoever I have to... I don't mind leaving the world. To think about it, dying without regrets is pretty hard... isn't it?

Okay, all this random rambling just came out of nowhere. Anyhow, I'm gonna spend the whole day in the hospital tomorrow. I hope it is not as bad as I anticipate. Goodnight folks.

Xoxo

Cindy